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October 24th 2008

Residents Storm the Whole Foods Market in Millburn – New Jersey.

If you’ve ever wondered what life might have been like in the old Soviet Union, you should have stopped by the huge 75% off sale at Whole Foods Market. Just like a Gucci Sample Sale, there were tons of shoppers lined up in front of the store fighting off the cold and dreaming of organic produce and large quantities of wasabi peanuts.

Once inside, people seemed to loose complete touch with reality. I think “hoarding” is the right word for it. Locals were literally buying as much food as they could fit in their carts. Let me rephrase that. Locals were literally buying as much food as they could fit in their Porsche Cheyennes.

I especially enjoyed watching townies grab items that they would never eat — not even for free. Not even if you paid them. But for 75% off they were going in their carts.

The whole scene was like a twisted reality show.

As I was trying levitate out of the spice isle, I ran into a woman who was staring down the label of a dark brown bottle as if it had floated down from space. She was focusing on it so hard — I thought it was going to catch fire. I didn’t wait to see what was going to happen — I got myself together and moved on to the meat isle.

Once there, I grabbed five whole chickens and four pounds of ground pork. Ground pork??????????? I won’t get into it. I’ll eat it — trust me.

So, my cart was just about full and I was ready to check-out. Easier said than done. The lines for the cashier looped around the entire store. They ran thirty or forty people deep.

No big deal. I took my place in the back by the deli counter and patiently waited for an hour and a half until it was my turn to cash in.

And cash in I did.

I have to say one thing — and I really mean it. I’m not sure if everyone shopping at the store was on same muscle relaxant, but I didn’t hear one person bitch and moan about the line taking too long. It was so refreshing. On a normal day, tight faced residents would be barking up a storm if the line was more than two people deep.

Sorry. I’ve got to go and eat my lunch. Dried papaya, rice crackers and a kelp shake.

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